Expectations

I'm musing on the experience of being an expectant father. "Expectant" and its linguistic kin is loaded with meanings, implying anticipation, even impatience, and can even suggest the imposing of values or standards on the thing you are expecting. I would say all possible meanings apply to this situation.
The many books and sources of advice for fathers-to-be seem to offer a consensus that this nine-month period, for men, can often be something of a limbo. They reassure you that you mustn't worry if you feel somewhat removed from what is happening to your partner. That it is, ultimately, the mother's show at this stage, and as long as you make sure you are there when needed that is about it.
So, carry on as normal then. Having played your part in conception, you are largely redundant until some approximate date in the future. Interpreting the advice in this way could easily encourage a lack of engagement with the process if one is that way inclined. But I'd like to think that most men in this position want to feel involved at every opportunity. A kinder reading of the advice might be that you should be, but don't worry if the focus of others is mostly on your partner. After all, she's the one with a human growing inside her.
My own experience has been quite serene. I would define it so far as normal life punctuated by frequent moments of epiphany. Every time I see Yummy Mummy I am reminded of the impending Life Changing Event, and I deal with this in my usual way, by taking it in my stride. Yet I'm always mindful and it's nice to have that thought in the back of your mind all the time. I have so far only had one oblivious moment, when a couple of months ago a fellow luvvie whom I see occasionally mouthed to me across a theatre the word "congratulations" only for me to reply with "what for?" In my defence, I was in work mode, surrounded by students, and I had lost track of who knew our News. There has been so much going on that the greeting could have applied to a number of things.
To bring some structure to this ramble, I'll go back to those meanings of expectant. The anticipation part is obvious, the anticipation of each new milestone: the first scan, the first time you hear the heartbeat, the first time you feel baby move. Having a baby is such a massive thing that the reality of it doesn't always sink in, so I look to these moments as another confirmation that, yes, this is actually happening. Then the impatience comes hard on the heels of anticipation, as only impatience would (it is, after all, the emotion the tail-gates all other states as though it has the most important appointment to get to so just move out of the way thank you very much). I am currently slightly envious that YM is feeling ever more regular flutters and I yearn for the moment when I too can experience something that is an unequivocal kick instead of possibly a stomach rumble. I also am really looking forward to YM getting properly BIG! Probably more so than she is, in truth. I can imagine myself vicariously wearing that bump like a badge of honour, so that everyone, even strangers, can tell that I'm going to be a Dad.
Then there is the imposing of values. I find myself wondering how much Bow (Baby On Way, for the uninitiated) is being shaped by the antenatal sensations s/he is encountering. To name a few, Bow has been in the audience while the Tiger Lillies sang about pyromania and sheep-shagging, has spent two weeks on stage with YM in a production of The Crucible, surrounded by people emoting like there's no tomorrow. And even this evening, we sat in a theatre and were at one point serenaded by a lounge-singing guinea pig that was abruptly shot dead! I can imagine Bow in his/her edge-of-consciousness wondering what the hell kind of world s/he will meet in September.
All of these moments are spread between stretches of normal life, and then of course come the epiphanies. I'm working late into the night most nights at the moment, and as I crawled into bed in the early hours one morning this week, YM was fast asleep, turned slightly towards me on her side. I placed my hand on her belly, and was suddenly overwhelmed by the magnificence, wonder, awesome scariness of this new life. It was a beautiful moment of emotion deeper than simple tears, and I can't wait to have it again.